As I sit here writing my first blog (yes, I know I’m about a million years behind especially for someone who calls herself a writer) I do so with tears streaming down my face and a desperate urge to go and do anything else – ANYTHING ELSE – rather than face this blank screen (darning socks, anyone?). Hence the title of this first post, and the story of tonight.
With our two boys asleep wonderfully early, and a whole expanse of quiet time ahead, I set aside the night for reading The Passion Test (see www.thepassiontest.com). I have felt waves of gratitude all day. Brought on by ordinary things – as always – the autumn trees, the skin of my babies, even just the air today had me in the heady grip of gratitude. In states like that, the air feels a little thicker around me (like it does in readings) and I walk around with an inner smile as if I know a delicious secret. It was a day like that. And the connection got stronger when I started reading, so much so that I stopped, closed my eyes and listened.
My sense was that I am getting ready, that I’m about to bloom (even though it’s Autumn 
. I couldn’t shake my sense of anticipation, of things having shifted inside steadily to get me here. I pulled out my Bird Cards (beautiful, wonderful, new discovery www.birdcards.net) to get some insight on this excitement and how it would get channelled. I merrily chose my first card, expecting one of the majestic birds, or at least one associated with freedom, wealth and harvesting. I pulled The Vulture.
Without even being aware of what The Vulture symbolises, I felt tears prick my eyes. Something raw and real was here, that was clear. I read the words already crying, learning that this bird transmutes shame into love and that it was time to acknowledge parts of myself of which I am ashamed. ’I don’t want to think about this, surely I’ve already dealt with this stuff’, but my crying, which had escalated into deep sobbing, showed otherwise.
I am ashamed of being a channel. I know that it’s a phenomenal vocation; I know that I am blessed with a developed ability (I don’t think of it as a gift) that lots of people would adore (and probably use better) and I know that the insight I can produce is astounding. But I am still ashamed of the ‘woo-woo’ stigma attached to it and of what intelligent and religious acquaintances will think of my career – I have specific people in mind and am quite sure I do them an injustice but still, there they are in my mind, the big, scary, hairy Council of Judges.
I am also ashamed of being thought of, or spoken about, as a know-it-all. The thought fills me with dread that actually produces nausea. As I sat on my bed looking at The Vulture, I felt revulsion at those parts of myself. (Seeing as my curiosity at language never switches off it seems, I had a delightful moment seeing that reVULsion and VULture are linguistically related!). When I imagined my inner Know-It-All self and got over how disgusting she was, I asked her what she wanted, knowing that I wouldn’t have that shadow side if it were not useful to me in some way. She very crossly told me that if she were just given a chance to be heard, she would shut up. Paradox being the signature of the divine, I totally got that and promised that i would start to share more of what she knew.
When my heart settled and the snot and trane trickled off, I pulled the next card. C’mon Blue Bird of Happiness! Instead, The Shrike. Now you should know that The Shrike and I go way back. If you have ever used the Bird Cards, you might know of the spread that can be done to learn about your Life Path and Life Work. They are two significant cards, that are yours to work with for the rest of your life (or at least that’s how they are to me). One of mine – Life Path – is The Shrike, showing that my path involves telling the truth even when that may be divisive, uncomfortable or unpopular. Like Jesus (depicted in the card), my concern should be with the truth above all else, regardless of my fear of being a know-it-all and that little persecution complex I’ve got going. So the Shrike strikes again. In facing up to my shame, owning who I am and expressing it, I will be using truth, and sometimes as a sword. Interestingly, it’s our two year old son’s birthday in two days and all he wants is a sword.
These two cards had painted a very clear and rich picture for me. I’m not such a fan of pulling cards all the time and often think that we give over our responsibility by doing so, but used consciously, they can open up internal knowledge for us that goes way beyond what the actual interpretation of the card might be. This is what had happened. I had gone to the cards carrying my sense of blossoming and expecting to have it confirmed, affirmed and amplified. That’s exactly what did happen, but by exposing the shame I have been carrying, not by acting as ra-ra cheerleaders.
When I turned over my final card, I could only express my love in weeping (yes, again). The Goose is my Life Work card, that had partnered with The Shrike in the spread I mentioned earlier, and here she was again, speaking to me of the fact that my work would bring spiritual and material wealth if I could conquer the huge inner demon I was carrying. Both my permanent Life Path and Life Work cards had come up again together, after The Vulture. The message spoke so loudly that I had to get out of bed, come upstairs, ask my loving and long-suffering husband to teach me how to blog, and start my journey with words.
I’m glad to share it with you.
To take this into your own life:
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Have you been struggling to start something? An exercise routine, a search for a new job, a book?
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What is the pay-off, or value, you get from not doing it? Mine was this: if I don’t write or become more public about my work I won’t have to face up to being a channel and my fear of being called arrogant.
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Does your pay-off indicate some sort of shame you are carrying about yourself?
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If you give your shame a personality (see the work of Debbie Ford), what might it want to say to you?
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So how is your shame getting you closer to your Joy?
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Remember that birthing pains hold the promise of creation. Don’t numb them or hate them, they reveal a more beautiful self.
